The Olin Kreutz Guide to Conflict Resolution
Hi, I'm Olin Kreutz. You probably remember me from my dynamic play at Center, my in-your-face attitude, or my 13 years playing for the Chicago Bears.
While I'm proud of my work leading the offensive line (and locker room!) for the Chicago Bears, what I'm most proud of today is my new, life-changing system: The Olin Kreutz System for Conflict Resolution.
"Whoa, conflict resolution? Haha I don't swing that way pal!" I know what it sounds like. But trust me. When you learn my life-changing methods for conflict resolution, nobody will joke or disrespect you. Ever again. They won't offer you the standard pay for a coaching assistant. They wouldn't dare. They wouldn't dare.
Because of how good you'll be at conflict resolution. Let's begin.
...what was that? Did you say something? Did you say something?
Oh, haha a water break! Ha! Of course! Everybody needs water! We're all having fun here! Ha! Ha.
Well? Are you done interrupting now?
Okay.
Okay, where were we?
Right, the system. For conflict resolution. See, sometimes, when you're working together with professionals at the highest level, there will be lots of different opinions - there's an old saying, "opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, and if you bare either I swear to god I'll put my fist through it".
So with a team of professionals, they'll all want to have input. They call it "collaboration". I call it disrespect, and the only cure is a little Hawaiian punch, am I right?
I didn't hear you.
That's what I thought.
So your job, as leader, is to make sure your team speaks with one voice - your voice. That's why this life-changing system is named after the only voice that matters - the voice of Olin:
The OLIN system is four simple principles:
O-line Mentality
Limit Disrespect
I'm Sorry, I didn't hear you, would you mind talking to my fist?
No I Didn't
...did you hear that?
Okay. You just didn't respond very enthusiastically. Did you get the letters? How they spell out "Olin"?
Right, it is very smart.
Okay. Let's begin. Unless you're going to interrupt my speech for another water break?
Right, of course not. Ha! Just playing! Lighten up.
O-Line Mentality
Offensive lineman are the toughest guys on the field. You have to go out there, snap after snap, game after game, and dominate the guy across from you. They'll tell you your job is to make gaps for your ball carriers and protect your QB. What they don't tell you is you have to protect your own name.
See, the O-Line Mentality is about coming together as a unit. Offensive Line - it means get in line. Around the center. That's me. So you get in line, that's the mentality. And if you have a problem with that?
Limit Disrespect
So you're in a conflict, like when someone complimented your mother? Put the fear of god in him.
Someone's jawing off at you? Simple - break that jaw. Can't have a conflict with someone if they're on the way to the hospital. Conflict resolved.
You're in college and a player looks at you the wrong way? You hear me, break their jaw. So what if he was a teammate? Sekou Wiggs deserved to have his jaw in three different parts for the three different ways he needs to mind his mouth.
You're in the NFL and somebody comes at you? Did I stutter? You break their jaw. No, I don't care if he was a teammate too. 10-year-NFL vet Fred Miller? More like 10-years-in-the-hospital-if-you-don't-watch-how-you-look-at-me.
I'm Sorry, I Didn't Hear You
How can they talk back with a jaw that moves like a muppet? They can't. That's why it's the perfect system for conflict resolution. And it's not just limited to assaulting your own teammates. Although I absolutely do that a lot. Hell, I'll threaten my own coaches—
Kreutz: For me personally, I had a coach in New Orleans, and he was here (in Chicago), in Aaron Kromer. If I would’ve spent one more minute with him I would’ve torn his head off. I had to get out of that building. Didn’t feel comfortable in there. Just, just really a bad situation for me at the time where I knew if this guy said one more thing to me I would’ve put him in the hospital.
...my own QB—
I knew that it wouldn’t be good for the team for me to be there any more. And I know that when I stood up to go after him and somebody grabbed me and I threw him against the wall, and it was Drew Brees, it was time for me to go.
M & P: You threw Drew Brees against the wall?
Kreutz: Yeah, that would’ve been my last day in New Orleans. (laughs).
M & P: That’s a future Hall of Famer, face of the franchise. you threw Brees against the wall?Kreutz: Listen, Hall of Famer or not, you don’t grab people.
No I Didn't
So I broke my college teammate's jaw? No I didn't. Okay well I did, absolutely, yeah, that jaw was fucked. But I didn't mean to.
"I liked Sekou," Kreutz told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "When you throw a punch, especially at a friend, you never mean to. I learned to punch when I was young and I knew I was strong. You don't want to break a guy's jaw."
And when people say you had an anger problem? No I didn't. Sure, my coaches had been sending me to anger management since I was in college, but the problem isn't my anger - it's other people and that way they're looking at me. My anger isn't the problem. It's not the problem.
“I never thought I had an anger problem,” says Kreutz. “I fought a lot when I was younger. I fought a lot when I was in college, but I don’t know if I fought any more than most guys do. I just think when you shatter someone’s jaw, people are going to make a big deal out of it.”
Did you hear me? No I didn't. And if you say different? I'll fucking fight you too. You're gonna fine me for starting a fight at an FBI gun range?
Kreutz said he would appeal.
"I'm going to fight it obviously," he said Friday after the Bears' practice in Lake Forest, Ill. "I don't want to pay that fine. I don't think it's an appropriate fine, but that's what it came back at. I don't know how much I can do about it, but I'm going to fight it."
That's right - I'll fucking fight that too. You think I have an anger problem that's making me get into fights every single place I've ever worked? I'll fucking fight the allegations of fighting too much. Fuck you.
...
Where were we
Editor's Note: Olin's book orders are currently experiencing delays due to the entire printhouse staff being sent to the hospital after an intern questioned a comma useage.
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