Week 3 - Bears 30, Falcons 26 - This is the Bears

    "Great defensive play along with a few key takeaways propped up a sputtering offense in the midst of a quarterback controversy surrounding a talented-but-maligned starter and a well-known veteran from the bench" he wrote down, here on this game summary and also on the tombstone of the Chicago Bears. This is who we are. We'll be throwing out talented starters with big arms but frustrating decision-making in favor of boring journeymen backups to squander our Super Bowl-caliber defense while Green Bay trots out a seamless stream of Hall-of-Famers every decade and a half until the heat death of the universe. It's like when a soap opera thought they were going to get cancelled, only to get picked up at the last minute, so they have to quickly slap together a script for the season that ends up being all recycled content from previous seasons. This is the equivalent of a clip show episode for a Chicago Bears season. What better way to showcase a season-that-almost-wasn't than to rehash the plot of every other Bears season of our lives?

I'm ashamed by how long I spent making this.

    You could just see the invisible hand of Josh McCown guiding Nick Foles like some kind of mediocre journeyman spiritual guide. Kyle Orton's force ghost applauded and smiled on. Shane Matthews nodded. Jim Miller, looking alarmingly fat for a former professional athlete even in force-ghost form, winked. Brian Griese attempted to throw a thumbs up but missed.  

This, but with Brian Griese, Josh McCown, and Kyle Orton holding a half-finished bottle of whiskey

    This is the Bears. Of course the defense came to life and forced a key takeaway to win the game. Of course the starting QB threw a mind-numbing turnover, got pulled, and watched from the bench as the backup pounced on an unprepared defense in prevent mode to put up awesome numbers. Would it be nice if, for once in our goddamn lives, it just... worked? If our QB we put so much draft stock in, so much time, so much faith ended up... being good? If things just came easy, for once in our goddamn lives?

We'll never know, because we're Bears fans, and this is what the Bears are. Let's take the freaking win and enjoy what we can. This is the Bears.

The Good

David Montgomery

    The dude just bounces off tackles like my ball when I bowl (because I always have the bumpers up. Because I'm terrible at bowling. You can be from the midwest and bad at bowling. It's fine). He's had an astonishing 72.3% of his yards come after contact, which is the running back equivalent of being 2/3 Juggernaut. It would be great if the offensive line gave him more consistent holes to run through, or if Nagy had any idea how to make an effective run game in any shape (this is the same man that was halfway through the season and channeling his inner Trestman by running the ball 7 times a game, so maybe we should just be thankful for what we've got). Still, the dude has broken out of an offense that's been mediocre in basically every other way to emerge as a stud. Hell yeah, Montgomery.

The Defense

    While it's obvious that this defense isn't at its 2018 absurdity, or even its 2019 extremely-goodness (remember when Khalil Mack murdered Case Keenum right there on the field? And everybody applauded? God that was great), this defense is still stepping up to be very good when it counts. 

This man beat Foles for a starting job, and our defense pulled 5 turnovers out of his battered corpse

    Is it fair to expect the second-oldest team in the NFL, with by far the oldest defense, to remain in top form while missing their first and second-most important players on the field at stopping the run in Eddie Goldman and Leonard Floyd? No, absolutely not. Will Ed O'Bradovich still have a coronary live on-air the moment the Bears lose due to the defense's inability to stop the run catching up to them for a game? Guaranteed. Somewhere out there, Doug Buffone is looking down on a rabid OB, plugging his ears and doning his spit-shield from heaven in readiness.

    This offseason, the Bears made the decision to swap out a mediocre pass-rusher, but downright awesome run-stuffer in Leonard Floyd for a mediocre run-stuffer but downright awesome pass rusher in Robert Quinn, and by swap I mean "pay a shitton of money for". Between Hicks, Mack, and Quinn, the pass rush is shortening the life of every opposing QB by at least a few weeks. The amazing breakout of Jaylon Johnson opposite of the always-punishing Kyle Fuller, plus Eddie Jackson prowling over the top, means opposing passing games are basically playing Russian Roulette while Khalil Mack charges at you.

Akiem Hicks

    Yes, he's part of the defense, but goddamn the Literal Bear deserves his own spot here. The man just wrecks opposing gameplans. The entire middle of the line is the territory of a vicious bear, and he spends every waking moment furious at the gall of the puny little man in front of him who dares hold a ball. 1.5 sacks and 5 QB hits is an absurd stat line for an interior lineman, and it still doesn't even begin to cover how dominant he's been. I really thought last year was the sign that Akiem's career as a professional Dealer of Pain and Despair to Offenses was on the decline. Father time remains undefeated, sure, and Akiem Hicks is on the wrong side of 30, but nobody knows the conversion rate from ours to bear years. It's likely father time is as terrified of Akiem as the rest of us. 

The Comback

    What an insane game. It was bittersweet as hell, and his stat line flattered him, but Foles really did throw like 5 touchdowns. Anthony Miller shook off his rough start to the season and showed up. Allen Robinson responded to the idiotic officiating and naysayers by balling out when his team needed him most. The line held up, Montgomery was brutally effective in both phases of the game and everyone helped Foles with absurd YAC. Truly, we are who they thought we were.

The Bad

Tarik's Injury

That was awful and I hate everything. Especially to see such a special, dynamic player who relies so much on his quick-cut athleticism tear an ACL courtesy of that weird, awful friendly fire... it just sucks, guys. Akiem Hicks may be the heart of this team, and A-rob seems to be campaigning for the soul of it, but Tarik was a very noticeable part too, even if it wasn't necessarily the most important. The haircut or something. The point was, the Bears offense going forward are going to be like the president going forward with an awful haircut - sure, technically they may find a way to do their job just the same, but they'll go from the potential of looking flashy to the reality of looking stupid and awful and everybody's going to talk about it. Please get well soon, Tarik.

The Officiating

Yes, there was no preseason and, if this year's woeful defensive metrics across the league are any indication, everybody's a little rusty, but my God they sucked. From Arob's turnover-that-wasn't, to the Bears having two penalties against them that somehow offsetted(?!?), to their complete inability to see a pack of O-lineman holding onto the back of Mack on every play like it's a bucking bowl competition performed by committee, it's just embarrassing. Stop being terrible, and please shoot Al Riveron in a box, and then drop that box down an elevator shaft. Also drill that elevator shaft down past the earth's mantle so that he may be fast-tracked directly in hell. 

Yet Another Fucking QB Controversy

    I'm so. tired. of. this. After Jay Cutler, Rex Grossman, fucking Cade McNown, after all of this, I should be numb to watching our team spend premier draft capital on yet another purported savior at the QB position, only to watch fans immediately turn on him at the first sign of trouble, his confidence get shattered, inconsistencies pile up, and his career to careen into a flaming death spiral while our blubbering meatball fanbase cheers on. I should be numb to watching them turn heel and immediately cheer on whatever aging, mediocre-talent backup is unceremoniously pulled in off the bench. I should be numb to believing, really believing, in my heart of hearts that this time will be different, that it's okay to let your guard down and hope.

    I'm not, and now I'm devastated that young man who was once the greatest hope of the city, our literal chosen one, our Harry Potter from the first few books, has become completely despised and disillusioned and kicked to the curb, like Harry Potter in the last few books. It sucks. I really thought it would be different.

    But it isn't. This is the Bears.

Looking Ahead

    I know I keep hammering this home, but for real - the Bears do not start a season 3-0 often. Like, ever. As in, it's been 7 years since that happened, in that awful Trestman aberration of a year where the an offense loaded with talent (including a big free agent tight end and big, physical number 1 WR) playing in a fancy weird new offense from a weird, bald, offensive-minded coach saw their backup QB go in for their overtly-despised starter and play well, only for the wheels to completely fall off the aging defense (minus their promising rookie corner) and the coach to completely lose confidence, the locker room, and finally his job.

    Anyways, I'm sure this time will be totally different. Maybe. All I know is, never take a win for granted, because this season almost wasn't at all, and at any moment, this can all come crashing down. Maybe one day we'll find a promising young QB, a diamond in the rough, who will give us stability at the position and a consistent offense for a decade. Maybe we'll have a coach with enough understanding of both sides of the ball to constantly adjust to the weaknesses of opponents, who will always think on his feet and keep us a perennial contenders. Until then, this is the Bears.