The Chicago Bears 2010s All-Neck Team: Reaching New Heights

Welcome, to the greatest honor bestowed upon any player, potentially in any sport: The Bear Weather Fans Chicago Bears 2010s All-Neck Team. Here, our top-tier analysts use their savant-level knowledge of all things Bears combined with scientifically rigorous formulas to answer man's most age-old question: Which player on the Chicago Bears from 2010 through 2019 had the best neck?

Scoring System:

Here, we're evaluating this important matchup using Bear Weather Fans' proprietary state-of-the-art, advanced analytics system, composed of the following three metrics, scored 1-5, summed together and multiplied by a convenient factor of 27.83:

Size

If we've learned anything from the NFL Combine measuring process and their insistence to publish players', uh, hand length, it's that:

A) Football is a game of inches, and all of those inches are found on various parts of their players' bodies.

B) The NFL really wishes they could cut out the middle man and just measure dick size. If they could, the Bears would've signed Foles years ago.

For that reason, raw size contributes to a full third of the BWF 2010 Decade All-Neck Team.

Shape

Not really sure how many more dick jokes we can get away with making in the same post, so let's just say that the ratio of length, thickness, and overall shape are vitally important in a man and just leave it at that.

Wow Factor

It's not just about raw size, but how you use it (okay promise that's the last one). This metric is about the impressions and lasting iconicism of a neck. Top scores are given to necks who, from the very first glance to years later, just make you stand up and say "wow". You marvel at it. You want to stand up and clap. It would be okay to cry.

Now that we have our scoring system down, let's see the finalists in the Brontosaurus Bowl TM 2010 decade All-Neck Team:


Contestants:

Brian Urlacher

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the 13-year Bears veteran, Hall-of-famer, and go-to comparison for every white linebacker - Brian Urlacher:

"I got a great deal on basic cable packaged with a land line!"

Hahaha just fucking with you. Oh my god what if that's what we went with.

Okay for real though here's Brian Urlacher:

Would Urlacher in a tan stocking cap look exactly like Earthworm Jim? Our analysts conclude "absolutely".

The Urlacher neck experience is like a bonzai garden - the spare little you see of it is part of its draw. It's contemplative, while also being inspiringly utilitarian. This isn't a neck to crane around the opera with. It's not one for shiny necklaces or a business-professional tie or necessarily even a top button (as far as we know, there's no shirt made to accommodate Urlacher's splendid girth - they have to be custom-ordered from the company that makes covers for fire hydrants).
No, in a way, Urlacher's neck is the Chicago Bears way itself; tough, hard-working, no frills and no nonsense.

Scoring:

Size

It's elusive - the addition of full pads and a helmet makes it seem like Urlacher's body was built by God around football convenience to allow trainers to fastener his helmet directly to his shoulderpads. You need multiple angles just to verify that Urlacher ever had a neck.

Urlacher, indicating where his neck would be.

It's one of the rare necks that boasts a higher diameter than length. For that reason, its size can't be discounted. It's like a deep dish pizza - the fact that it's missing a few inches in one measurement can't hide the fact that the sheer volume being delivered could land somebody in the hospital. 4/5

Shape

The sturdiness of Urlacher's neck results in a head that looks like was extruded up from the hole in his pads. The simpleness of his neck shape is like an N64 graphic that maxed out on polygons four players ago. It's a head and neck and traps efficiently combined into a single shape. A pure no-nonsense, efficient player perfectly represented by a basic, efficient, utility neck. 5/5

Even the greats stand in awe.

Wow Factor

Brian Urlacher's neck is one of the most iconic in Bears history. It's a neck so recognizable, it propelled his brother into a political career. The pure, sturdy resilience of Urlacher's neck/head combo is like his body is giving a thumbs up to the rest of the defense on their job in their supporting role. 5/5

Urlacher Total Score: (4+5+5)*27.83 = 389.62



Dontrelle Inman

Journeyman, mid-grade receiver, 2017 late-season pickup, sleeper candidate for All-Neck Team champion.

Was a risking a conditional 7'th-round pick that never executed worth a middling receiver in a lost year whose defining trait was anatomical symmetry with Mike Glennon? Absolutely, yes.

Scoring:

Size

Great size. Mother Nature deemed fit to allocate seemingly a third of 6'3" Dontrelle Inman's height to his neck, and we salute her. 5/5

Shape

Inman's great length comes at a cost to shape, which is mid-tier. Hell, if you squint, it looks nearly like a normal human neck. There's no shame in being middle of the pack when the pack is the most elite of elite, but amongst this great trial, we're looking for the absolute best. 2/5

Wow Factor

There's no disputing that Inman's neck is striking. It demands a double-take. His good-natured smile masks an anatomy usually reserved for the loser in a bout of Rock Em Sock Em Robots. Still, it doesn't have the enduring legacy of some of Inman's contemporaries. 4/5

Dontrelle Inman Total Score: (5+2+4)*27.83 = 306.13



Adam Shaheen

3-year Bears vet Adam Shaheen, known by fans as "The Grizzly Giant", by some as "Baby Gronk" for a few glorious weeks in the spring of 2017, and by us as "How the hell did freaking John Fox get better play out of this guy than anybody else? Seriously what the hell?", Adam Shaheen is Pace's weird gun-toting, chipotle-powered frankenstein's monster-looking tight end Pace pulled out of an obscure school the size of the Bears' practice squad into the second round of the NFL. While we're not here to speculate on whether or not he'll be the NFL's next great tight end (because no speculation is needed to say "no"), we are here to speculate on the greatness of Shaheen's mighty shoulder trunk.

Neck Status: Outstanding
Beard Status: Concussion Protocol

Scoring:

Size

Deeply impressive neck from top to bottom. If our working theory is true, and Ryan Pace made Adam Shaheen out in the woods from spare parts Frankenstein-style, his neck is undoubtedly from a nearby alpaca, the hair of which was repurposed to make the plush, hypoallergenic coif delicately adorning his creation's chin. 4/5

There's no way Mary Shelley pictured anything else.

Shape

Absolutely underrated shape. Despite the downright absurd length attached to a square lego block of a head, there's literally no point where the neck tapers inward at all. It's like if Michelangelo got to the neck of David, ran out of chisel, and was just like "eh, nobody notices necks anyways". Wrong, Michelangelo. We notice. 4/5

Wow Factor

Despite a downright elite combination of size and shape, Shaheen's neck just isn't the icon it deserves to be. Eerily mirroring his NFL career, despite eye-popping raw measurements, Shaheen's neck just doesn't pop on film as much as his raw gifts would suggest. 2/5

Adam Shaheen Total Score: (4+4+2)*27.83 = 278.3


Josh Bellamy

Here we have the 5-year Bears vet, core special teamer, DM slider, and ostensibly NFL wide receiver Josh Bellamy, who flew around the Bears special teams unit from 2014-2018 while flaunting one of the roster's more underrated necks.

Scoring:

Size

Sadly, this is the category that's really gonna hurt Bellamy. At a modest 6' flat but a solid 208 lbs, Josh just doesn't boast the elite neck size of some of his contemporaries. The act of Bellamy putting on his helmet makes his neck vanish like a reverse Marry Poppins. With a sturdy width but lackluster overall length, Bellamy ranks the lowest on the Bears 2010 Decade All-Neck Team. 2/5

Where does it go?

Shape

While it doesn't leap off the screen like some of his contemporaries, the sheer squatness of Josh's neck among a position group usually valued for length gives him an air of mystery. How did this man make it into the wide receiver group? Was it his elite hands and natural skill at catching on the run? 2/5

No

Wow Factor

This is the category that earned Bellamy a spot as a contender for this prestigious award.

The fact is, some cars get attention for their luxury engineering, some get attention from their tacked-on spoilers. While Josh's neck isn't a natural wonder by traditional metrics, you just have to respect a head holster so tatted up, his adam's apple looks like a pear wrapped in an old quilt. With all the artistry and definition of your niece's watercolor paintings and the surface area of an area rug, there's no question that Bellamy's neck tats make you go "wow". 5/5

Josh Bellamy Total Score: (2+2+5)*27.83 = 250.47


Mike Glennon

Look, the moment you saw the words "Bears" and "Neck" together, you knew this dead-eyed giraffe was going to make an appearance. The hardest part wasn't whether or not Glennon should be included on this list (obviously, yes, a thousand times yes), but which picture to use for him. The problem is that there is no "best" picture to highlight just how necky the ginger giraffe was in his prime, in the same way that there's no "best" picture of dog shit to convey how it shitty it is - the smell just hits you the second you see it. Every SINGLE picture is more effective than the last.

A human(?) male, peak condition

Gaze long and hard, for this is a real human being and not an alien under extremely poor cover trying to learn our ways, even if his play on the field was absolutely compelling evidence that Glennon had clearly not grown up under earth's gravity.

Pictured: Mike Glennon?

This is a man who you're going to have to explain to your kids and grandkids on why you'd thought he'd make it as a starting QB in the NFL. Seriously. This fucking guy.

Pictured: This Fucking Guy

Think of how much self control I had to exercise to put off using "he's head and shoulders above the competition" for all those last entries. Do you think that was easy? Do you think this was FUN? It was saved for him. That's how serious Mike Glennon's neck game is.

In its natural habitat, a wild Glennon can take 45 minutes for water to travel from its mouth to its stomach.

On to scoring:

Size
While delicately perched on Glennon's shoulders during games like a flamingo resting on a... different, somewhat stouter flamingo, there's no denying the sheer scale of Glennon's neck. It's a Lord-of-the-Rings-extended-edition-it-just-keeps-going length neck. Truly a blend of both build and spectacle. 5/5

Shape
The aspect ratio of Mike Glennon's neck gives the impression of a trans-continental sailplane. However long you look at it, it just stretches longer, like the man beneath it is mostly laffy taffy. Going from Urlacher to Glennon's neck is like going from a 2003-era tube TV to an IMAX. The sheer dimensions force you to stand back and just to take in. 5/5

"What can pads do against such reckless neck"

Wow Factor
There's just no not seeing it. Glennon's neck rests on a pantheon with the Great Barrier Reef and the Grand Canyon of natural phenomena visible from space. What is this man's origin story? Visitor from another world? Grew up next to a power plant? Mike TV all grown up? No answer could be as satisfying or as grand as the neck behind it. 5/5

Mike Glennon Total Score: (5+5+5)*27.83 = 417.45



Winner: Mike Glennon

Noble readers of Bear Weather Fans, what we have here is neck excellence of an unprecedented level. A PERFECT score of Glennon's 417.45 was previously considered impossible. It seemed too high a summit to reach. But, if there's one thing this contest of the century has taught us, it's that Glennon's neck can always reach.




Special mentions:
Absolute legend Tommy Neck, 18'th round pick who played in one game in 1962, which is apparently enough to warrant a wikipedia page? We're sure its existence would be a huge relief to his fans, were either of them still alive.

Just gaudy stats

Tommy, while we don't know enough from your single paragraph on wikipedia, this is the internet, which means we're bound by internet code to wildly speculate, especially about personal details of people who can't fight back. That in mind, I think I speak for all of us when I agree that your last name wasn't a family name, but a title, bestowed to you by the queen for neck-related achievements. Though we don't have a photo of you, there's absolutely no way your neck wasn't gorgeous. God speed, good sir. You were too beautiful for this world, and when you passed, heaven was lucky to have gained those 22 inches (of your neck).